SALISBURY, Mass.-Recently, it was discovered that a man, let's call him "Mr. X" (or in the case of this article, "Mr. Sex"!), has a certain ability that few other men possess: He can make women become nude, for him, at any time, merely at his command! This is truly a shocking and unbelievable discovery. Therefore, it was decided by the town fathers to put the outrageous claim to the test. A number of reporters and town solicitors met up at the home of Mr. X, where he told them of his power, yet again, and this time in a far more outrageous fashion. Of course, all gathered were highly skeptical, so all concerned took a trip to a certain palladium in town (Ten's Show Club). The group followed Mr. X in, but as he approached the admissions window, he pointed to something behind us and we turned and looked, during which time God knows what he did. We were ushered into a large room, with a magnificent stage at it's center. Purplish light and club or house music, provided by the DJ ensconced in his little wall-set disc-jockeying pod, filled the air and our senses. Statuesque women of enormous, raw sexual beauty began to file out, and we took our seats down by the stage. The house lights went down, and even the music quieted for a moment, during which more than a few of the bevy of beauties, scantily-clad, took up positions along the perimeters of the stage. Then the music resumed, but it was more pulsating and sensual than before. A gorgeous dark-skinned Asian woman walked salaciously towards us, and we watched the scene between her and Mr. X with great, grave anticipation. She began to slowly, sensuously gyrate to the music, and as her hand reached up to the strap on her pink lace bra of exceeding beauty and sexiness, Mr. X intoned, mostly solemnly: "Take your bra off". We watched, utterly transfixed, as she proceeded to do just that! Her bra fell to the floor, revealing two huge, round, full, gorgeous, proud, supple breasts. At this point, for some reason, some of the older men (and even some of the younger) had to excuse themselves to the rest room. Now, the lovely Asian beauty, with her long, silky, flowing jetty hair, and her soft, smooth, tan skin, and full lips and perfect teeth (we know; she smiled several times during the performance-Mr. X's performance), began to gyrate ever more, and we all looked to Mr. X to see what he would do now. He let her gyrate a little more, much to the heating-up of several of the men there, and then intoned "Take your panties off". Well, miracle of miracles! Lo and behold, at those very words, her delicate, sexy pink lace panties (they were either a g-string or a thong, I forget which) were removed, allowing us all a closer and finer view of her perfect, shaved pudenda! Oh, and her butt, too-which also was exceedingly gorgeous, if not as large and round and voluptuous as this reporter would prefer. We were amazed, appalled, awestruck at this sight. Some of the men wanted another demonstration of his power to confirm it for certain, but this reporter at least, was thoroughly convinced. We all left the club happily, walking stiffly and with things held in front of our nether regions for some reason. And, Mr. X, who brought up the rear, as he left the club, too, was heard to remark, loudly: "I HAVE THE POWER!" Indeed, he does.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
California Outlaws Masturbation and Pornography: A Silly, Broad, Fatuous Sketch
SACRAMENTO, Calif.-In a move that shocked and angered most people, the current governor of the state of California, generally called the "Republic of California" according it's flag, has ordered the criminalization of masturbation. In a very close legislative, heated debate and battle, the referendum passed 57-45. Almost immediately, the sales of such masturbatory aids as KY Jelly and that old standby, Vaseline, plummeted, as these were generally outlawed also. For the law provided for the prohibition of not only the act itself (with or without actual orgasm occurring; but the penalties were harsher and sterner if actual ejaculation was achieved and witnessed by a police officer or citizen who reported such an act) but also all materials and products and devices connected with it. However, this news did not hurt the sales of vibratory, phallic devices, and if anything, these skyrocketed into the stratosphere of profit. However, yet another product connected with the act is, of course, pornography, and this too has been outlawed, though not as severely as the act itself and Ky Jelly and vibrators. Sales of this particular product, a mainstay and welcome, well-loved addition to most homes and families, or at least to most mothers and fathers and boyfriends and girlfriends and roommates and bachelors, et. al; these sales skyrocketed, too, reaching far beyond those of vibratory, phallic devices. This seems not only an ironic move for California, but an unprecedentedly dumb one, as this prohibition has hurt California's largest, and most profitable, business: the pornographic film industry. Considering that California is practically the world's capital of pornography-production, this is a stupid move and one that will no doubt hurt the Governor when he comes up for reelection soon. Senators and legislators in Washington, DC, huge lechers themselves, usually; are up in arms about this unconstitutional, controversial law. Various National Guard troops have been dispatched to California to put down what is essentially an open rebellion from the United States, but the crafty Governor of California deployed his own National Guard troops, specifically those members of the Air-Wing, to combat the situation. And well they did, for the seventeen jet bombers, including 5 B-52's carrying a payload of about 1700 tons each, dropped their ordnances and payloads of pornography on the 1500 troops sent to California, no doubt part of the first wave of such government intrusion. However, the troops were distracted by all the pornography, not just by the various sexual parts shown on the covers and the sex acts depicted thereon, too, but by the often pink and colorful, shiny, glistening labels themselves! They immediately sat in the sands along the California-Nevada border and proceeded to, well...never mind. So, it seems that California's stupid and unconstitutional ban on pornography, masturbation and all self-pleasuring devices is here to stay...unless open civil war, a thing that has not occurred in this country for 146 years, is made upon California, and this reporter doesn't really think that our President, or any President no matter how much of a lech he or she is, is going to risk that for the sake of those particular freedoms that now we other 49 states safely and happily enjoy! Perhaps in a way, this is a good thing. At least this controversial prohibition will take some of the heat off of California and save it the constant humiliation of being the rest of middle-America's "whipping boy", so to speak. Maybe now some of the other lecherous states, like New York, can get the raw focus of concentrated hatred from the right and an odd mixture of apathy and compassion from the left. This is a proud for them....I guess.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Four Great Sketches of January 25, 2011
1). WASHINGTON, D.C.-Reporters in Washington yesterday were shocked and delighted with President Obama's latest in a previously failed series of economic recovery plans. The President is going to mandate that all states be provided with at least 100,000 long sticks with nails at the end, or some cases, with already been chewed gum stuck to the end, and with as many glass bottles and jars and an equal amount of plastic bags. Why all these strange materials? His plan includes or basically only consists of, Americans collecting what money they can find on the side of the road! Most Americans were shocked and angered at this prospect, but those who work in Sanitation or are semi-retired metal-detector enthusiasts were overjoyed at the prospect, even though Obama, now dubbed the "Change President" by many Washington wags, has stated that at least 15 % of what is found must be declared and given to the government. In a recent visit to his home senatorial state of Illinois, Obama was bombarded, ironically, by protesters who, ironically had previously supported him, especially during his campaign for President. The source of the missiles hurled at him? Why, various bits and types of change, of course! Typically incompetent Secret Service agents had a difficult time putting the mini-rebellion down, and bringing the change-throwers to justice. Obama, not too appalled by the scene and his pelting, quipped "Well, at least they're no longer using guns and bullets; at least, not on their President". To which a number of irreverent reporters, ardent fans and Obama supporters raucously laughed at. Truly, this was the best showcase, if not the best time, for the Presidents famous wit. While in Chicago, Obama, in what can only be called a publicity stunt, donned the reflective vest of the Sanitation worker and, armed with a long stick with a nail at the end-or perhaps it was gum, this reporter is sad to reflect that he forgets which-he proceeded to pick up things, some of which were dollar bills and change, not doubt set up earlier by carefully selected Obama aides. Still, the President was in fine form, as he went about picking up what amounted to $14.56 in assorted dollar bills and change. "This is a great day for America," he intoned," and a great day for the numismatists IN America" Once again, the President's fine, cogent wit was being showcased. This reporter hopes that America, in it's desperate hour of need, will finally commit this scoundrel and unmitigated lunatic to the asylum where he belongs! Otherwise, who knows what sweeping "changes" are next for our country?
2). NEW YORK, New York-In the city that was once originally considered to be the nation's capital, albeit briefly, The President, having moved from Washington, in an effort to avoid the fetid stench that overhangs the city like a funeral pall, gathered with other prominent members of his Cabinet to decide what to do in this latest, greatest crisis in American history. As all my readers will remember, some fifty-two days ago, the horror began, as Bangledesh, our main supplier of soap, and Sri Lanka, our country's main supplier of shampoo and various toiletries, joined together in an embargo on the Anglo-American world, perhaps in a misguided effort to raise their own world status, which they have done. Then, in a move that clearly lived up to the adage of "adding insult to injury" the state of Minnesota, the main supplier of clean, running water to most of continental America, declared a moratorium on the production and distribution of water to the rest of the Union. National guard troops were deployed after intra-American diplomatic efforts failed, but these were quickly subdued and pacified at the borders with a terrific blast from the Minnesotan hose. Thus, America has been unclean for several days. Some people in a dire desperation that under other, happier, cleaner circumstances would've been quite funny, have taken to bathing in the generally unclean, murky, stagnant water of the various lakes, ponds and now still-rivers in America. Of course, this has not helped them one iota, but has only made them stink worse. In fact, in this reporter's humble opinion, the move to New York City, one of the most congested, heavily populated, filthy and malodorous cities on the face of the earth, is a highly stupid and useless one. Fire crews in New York have managed to find a small supply of running, pressurized water, though, and this will at least save young Tommy Tomlinson, for his Super-soaker was previously the only source of pressurized water in the whole city, and he, or his greedy ex-Soapbar Importation CEO father, were charging citizens and public officials up to 1,000 dollars a minute to be sprayed with the high-powered squirtgun. Deodorant companies, one of the few businesses not affected by the embargoes, have really, to use a pun, "cleaned up." President Obama, adjusting to his 100-room converted apartment building, his new "crib" at 1005A Fifth Avenue, has declared a stimulus of 99 billion dollars to be immediately requisitioned to the dozen major deodorant companies in America, with the order to produce as much anti-perspirant as possible until the nonmilitary crisis is over. "We are looking forward to ending this crisis very soon, by any means possible" he declared ominously, "and plans are already being drafted to get back what is rightfully ours: true cleanliness." He went on to say that his injection of 99 billion dollars into the deodorant companies' coffers would prove to be a boon to the stagnant, flagging American economy, and to the collective sense of smell and taste of a great many previously unwashed Americans.
3). LIVERPOOL, England-A concert given in Fryday Park in Liverpool by The Who, has erupted into flames and sadness. It seems that during one of their more popular numbers, "Water" in which they claim that London and the Thames were burning, a number of more logical, less restrained fans, shouted out that there was "no fire anywhere" and proceeded to run back to the immense parking lot and siphon gasoline into waiting flasks, bottles, containers and tureens, turn these into makeshift Molotov cocktails, and in an effort, ironically, to aid the Who, lit these and threw them at their beloved, favorite band, The Who! Instantly, the two-tiered stage erupted in flames and in explosions, as the electric equipment, such as amplifiers, of the Who burnt and exploded from the intense heat. Roger Daltrey, resplendent as ever in his signature leather-fringed jacket, leaped from the stage, into the crowd, sustaining a broken arm initially, and later, a contused face and a fractured nostril, as hordes of scared fans ran over and trampled him. Keith Moon, normally so motile and constant and himself leaping, stood there and burned, until John Entwhistle, in a heroic and thoughtless move, picked him up from behind his burning drumset and hurled him bodily into the rushing crowd, where he landed only a few feet away from the supine Roger Daltrey, whose jacket burned, but which fire was thankfully extinguished by the droves of fans crossing over him on their way to the parking lot, and the vehicles they thought would save them... of course, their tanks being emptied by the logical Molotov cocktail-hurlers earlier, all were rendered useless and many burned within their cabs. Fire crews arrived on the scene, but too late to save Pete Townshend from burning. He, resplendent in flame and fire, was quoted as saying: "YAAAAAH! I'm on FIREEE!" All in all, it was a great, conflagrant concert, one clearly displaying the comburent, combustible talents of the Who.
4). LONDON, England-Elton John, lately returning to England via Heathrow Airport, from a sellout tour of America, or, as he calls it: "Blackistan", shocked various London news reporters with his many anti-black remarks that he made as soon as he deplaned. It seems among other vile,racial slurs that Sir Elton John (a title that the still-shocked and scandalised Queen is considering revoking in light of this recent apparent change in the overall indiscriminateness of Mr. John) gave to reporters in his dense and lengthy criticism of America, there were the hideous claims that they were "shit-people" and that not only did they look like that, but that they were born and bred to be the "carriers and pickers and disposers of human waste" Of course, even the worst racists/white supremacists of all time have not held views this vile, incorrect, brutal and scatological. All of London is in mourning over the once-kindliness of Elton John. Also, in a move that shocked reporters and Londoners in general alike, Mr. John declared that the monies from his AIDS foundation were rightfully his, and due to his many unpaid English (and especially American) taxes, he would need and was going to take them back from the "miserly, miserably, fucking sick leeches". One's guess is that Mr. John even hates his own people, the bisexuals and the homosexuals, and actually to one reporter, a female one sporting thick, mannish boots and a very short crop of blondish hair, Mr. John said that she was a "dyke" and to "get the expletive away from him" and ended this vile display of prejudice and bigotry by kicking, slapping and punching the so-called "dyke"! Though in this assault he committed a crime, Mr. John was not arrested as by the hordes of police sent down to Heathrow to meet his plane and to protect him from his droves and hosts of fans, who usually mob him upon his deplaning anywhere-but that may change now. A number of reporters, themselves not supporters of racism but ardent, diehard fans of Mr. John's, have speculated quite hopefully that this change in his politics is temporary and mistaken and was the result of too much drugs and alcohol being heroically imbibed by a possibly depressed Mr. John on his plane, on the trip back from America-in short, he was drugged and drunk and these two states of opposing narcosis created a horrid irritability in Mr. John that manifested itself in overmuch racist and bigoted hate-remarks. If not, then let the world shudder, for he who seemed once to love and cherish and endow it so much, with so much of his God (or perhaps in this case, Devil)-given talent, has otherwise seemed to become a potent misanthrope and a hater of all he once loved and endowed. Many of his fans in the Deep South of America, in a characteristically dull and American move, have begun to burn many of his records and cds, many of these ironically, in some way or another about or inspired by the music of the African-American experience, in outdoor bonfires. Even President Obama, a man, who based on pigmentation, has no exact, equal or clear claim to either race (Black or White), has, in yet another characteristically American move, decried the slurs and hatred of Elton John, and before a horde of American reporters (probably from the tabloids), hurled the "Greatest Hits, Volume One" cd of Mr. John out the White House window in a highly dramatic, but specious gesture. This reporter can only wonder what other Anti-Elton John tactics the Americans, long his biggest fans-especially the homosexuals-will adopt to retaliate against his rabid hatred. This is truly a sad and awful day of infamy for not only the Anglo-American world, but the world entire itself! We can all only hope that Mr. John will change his tune and adapt to the progressive, permissive, unprejudiced world around him! That, at least, is this reporter's hope.
2). NEW YORK, New York-In the city that was once originally considered to be the nation's capital, albeit briefly, The President, having moved from Washington, in an effort to avoid the fetid stench that overhangs the city like a funeral pall, gathered with other prominent members of his Cabinet to decide what to do in this latest, greatest crisis in American history. As all my readers will remember, some fifty-two days ago, the horror began, as Bangledesh, our main supplier of soap, and Sri Lanka, our country's main supplier of shampoo and various toiletries, joined together in an embargo on the Anglo-American world, perhaps in a misguided effort to raise their own world status, which they have done. Then, in a move that clearly lived up to the adage of "adding insult to injury" the state of Minnesota, the main supplier of clean, running water to most of continental America, declared a moratorium on the production and distribution of water to the rest of the Union. National guard troops were deployed after intra-American diplomatic efforts failed, but these were quickly subdued and pacified at the borders with a terrific blast from the Minnesotan hose. Thus, America has been unclean for several days. Some people in a dire desperation that under other, happier, cleaner circumstances would've been quite funny, have taken to bathing in the generally unclean, murky, stagnant water of the various lakes, ponds and now still-rivers in America. Of course, this has not helped them one iota, but has only made them stink worse. In fact, in this reporter's humble opinion, the move to New York City, one of the most congested, heavily populated, filthy and malodorous cities on the face of the earth, is a highly stupid and useless one. Fire crews in New York have managed to find a small supply of running, pressurized water, though, and this will at least save young Tommy Tomlinson, for his Super-soaker was previously the only source of pressurized water in the whole city, and he, or his greedy ex-Soapbar Importation CEO father, were charging citizens and public officials up to 1,000 dollars a minute to be sprayed with the high-powered squirtgun. Deodorant companies, one of the few businesses not affected by the embargoes, have really, to use a pun, "cleaned up." President Obama, adjusting to his 100-room converted apartment building, his new "crib" at 1005A Fifth Avenue, has declared a stimulus of 99 billion dollars to be immediately requisitioned to the dozen major deodorant companies in America, with the order to produce as much anti-perspirant as possible until the nonmilitary crisis is over. "We are looking forward to ending this crisis very soon, by any means possible" he declared ominously, "and plans are already being drafted to get back what is rightfully ours: true cleanliness." He went on to say that his injection of 99 billion dollars into the deodorant companies' coffers would prove to be a boon to the stagnant, flagging American economy, and to the collective sense of smell and taste of a great many previously unwashed Americans.
3). LIVERPOOL, England-A concert given in Fryday Park in Liverpool by The Who, has erupted into flames and sadness. It seems that during one of their more popular numbers, "Water" in which they claim that London and the Thames were burning, a number of more logical, less restrained fans, shouted out that there was "no fire anywhere" and proceeded to run back to the immense parking lot and siphon gasoline into waiting flasks, bottles, containers and tureens, turn these into makeshift Molotov cocktails, and in an effort, ironically, to aid the Who, lit these and threw them at their beloved, favorite band, The Who! Instantly, the two-tiered stage erupted in flames and in explosions, as the electric equipment, such as amplifiers, of the Who burnt and exploded from the intense heat. Roger Daltrey, resplendent as ever in his signature leather-fringed jacket, leaped from the stage, into the crowd, sustaining a broken arm initially, and later, a contused face and a fractured nostril, as hordes of scared fans ran over and trampled him. Keith Moon, normally so motile and constant and himself leaping, stood there and burned, until John Entwhistle, in a heroic and thoughtless move, picked him up from behind his burning drumset and hurled him bodily into the rushing crowd, where he landed only a few feet away from the supine Roger Daltrey, whose jacket burned, but which fire was thankfully extinguished by the droves of fans crossing over him on their way to the parking lot, and the vehicles they thought would save them... of course, their tanks being emptied by the logical Molotov cocktail-hurlers earlier, all were rendered useless and many burned within their cabs. Fire crews arrived on the scene, but too late to save Pete Townshend from burning. He, resplendent in flame and fire, was quoted as saying: "YAAAAAH! I'm on FIREEE!" All in all, it was a great, conflagrant concert, one clearly displaying the comburent, combustible talents of the Who.
4). LONDON, England-Elton John, lately returning to England via Heathrow Airport, from a sellout tour of America, or, as he calls it: "Blackistan", shocked various London news reporters with his many anti-black remarks that he made as soon as he deplaned. It seems among other vile,racial slurs that Sir Elton John (a title that the still-shocked and scandalised Queen is considering revoking in light of this recent apparent change in the overall indiscriminateness of Mr. John) gave to reporters in his dense and lengthy criticism of America, there were the hideous claims that they were "shit-people" and that not only did they look like that, but that they were born and bred to be the "carriers and pickers and disposers of human waste" Of course, even the worst racists/white supremacists of all time have not held views this vile, incorrect, brutal and scatological. All of London is in mourning over the once-kindliness of Elton John. Also, in a move that shocked reporters and Londoners in general alike, Mr. John declared that the monies from his AIDS foundation were rightfully his, and due to his many unpaid English (and especially American) taxes, he would need and was going to take them back from the "miserly, miserably, fucking sick leeches". One's guess is that Mr. John even hates his own people, the bisexuals and the homosexuals, and actually to one reporter, a female one sporting thick, mannish boots and a very short crop of blondish hair, Mr. John said that she was a "dyke" and to "get the expletive away from him" and ended this vile display of prejudice and bigotry by kicking, slapping and punching the so-called "dyke"! Though in this assault he committed a crime, Mr. John was not arrested as by the hordes of police sent down to Heathrow to meet his plane and to protect him from his droves and hosts of fans, who usually mob him upon his deplaning anywhere-but that may change now. A number of reporters, themselves not supporters of racism but ardent, diehard fans of Mr. John's, have speculated quite hopefully that this change in his politics is temporary and mistaken and was the result of too much drugs and alcohol being heroically imbibed by a possibly depressed Mr. John on his plane, on the trip back from America-in short, he was drugged and drunk and these two states of opposing narcosis created a horrid irritability in Mr. John that manifested itself in overmuch racist and bigoted hate-remarks. If not, then let the world shudder, for he who seemed once to love and cherish and endow it so much, with so much of his God (or perhaps in this case, Devil)-given talent, has otherwise seemed to become a potent misanthrope and a hater of all he once loved and endowed. Many of his fans in the Deep South of America, in a characteristically dull and American move, have begun to burn many of his records and cds, many of these ironically, in some way or another about or inspired by the music of the African-American experience, in outdoor bonfires. Even President Obama, a man, who based on pigmentation, has no exact, equal or clear claim to either race (Black or White), has, in yet another characteristically American move, decried the slurs and hatred of Elton John, and before a horde of American reporters (probably from the tabloids), hurled the "Greatest Hits, Volume One" cd of Mr. John out the White House window in a highly dramatic, but specious gesture. This reporter can only wonder what other Anti-Elton John tactics the Americans, long his biggest fans-especially the homosexuals-will adopt to retaliate against his rabid hatred. This is truly a sad and awful day of infamy for not only the Anglo-American world, but the world entire itself! We can all only hope that Mr. John will change his tune and adapt to the progressive, permissive, unprejudiced world around him! That, at least, is this reporter's hope.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Ms. Plumfrond's Discovery; or, Some Recently Found OC Letters of Mark Twain's
Hartford, Conn.-It seems that more of Mark Twain's better than 100,000 letters have recently been found in the dusty attic of the house at 472 Delaware Avenue, famously called "Stormfield" after one of Mr. Twain's less prominent, but still arresting characters, and these shed a light on Mr. Twain hitherto unknown. A Ms. Plumfrond, of 245 Fifth Street, Hartford, Conn, the long-time caretaker of that famous Twain house (one of at least four owned and lived in by the Clemenses in their lifetime and family's history; most of which are now surrendered to posterity and curatorial personages of some notoriety in their districts of note), recently stumbled over the more than 2500 letters that were locked in a brownish, wooden, evil-smelling chest. Letters that have been missing, that have been little more than theoretical, for over 115 years! Ms. Plumfrond was apparently down in the basement to clean it, when she happened to find this wondrous treasure-trove of Twain memorabilia. It seems a rat scurrying across the floor frightened Ms. Plumfrond, who leapt onto a nearby chair, and then fell over, onto the previously unaccounted-for trunk. In so doing, she broke the cast-iron lock that had held the incalculable treasures from all sight and knowledge ever since at least 1895. Curious, Ms. Plumfrond picked herself up, and went to examine the trunk. In it, of course, she found the letters, some of which this reporter will now excerpt:
Febuary 5, 1865
Dear Asshole,
Oh, how I must report to you this new invention, recently used by the soldiers of Gen. Grant (that Yankee dog) on the battlefield! It seems that a young soldier, Pvt. Stan Laurelson, stumbled upon the invention while outdoors defecating on a spot off to the side of the battlefield-which one, I'm not sure of. Anyway, a copy of the New York Times lay nearby and in it, a wag in the regiment had scrawled a distasteful mustache, perhaps made out of his own excrement, over the handsome faces of a number of military officers, even, ironically, Gen. Grant himself! Anyway, angered by this slight to his commanding officer-or perhaps himself a hater of Grant, I forget which-he proceeded to use a piece of this paper to clean up his ass, after having defecated! Thus, a new invention: toilet paper, was born! I am so happy to report this to you, Asshole, for now, finally shall you be clean! I have ordered a case of 1,000 rolls to be delivered to Nevada at once! This is a grand, glorious, quaint & clean day! I hope you are as ecstatic as I am.
Forever Yours & A Part of You,
Samuel L. Clemens
This is just a sample of the immense body of letters to not only Mr. Clemens' asshole, but any number of his body parts, written to them in the period ranging from 1859-1895. Twain scholars have speculated that these letters were not necessarily real, but were part of an immense comic work, that at the time probably would've shocked then-Victorian America and thus been suppressed, that he intended to publish at some point, and that he worked on for better than 30 years. Ms. Plumfrond has said that she was shocked, yet delighted to be the one to have found these inestimable letters. Truly, we are seeing a new and a vibrant Twain. Let's hope that these letters will eventually be completely published, perhaps added to one of the appendices of the second volume of the recently-released Autobiography of Mark Twain.
Monday, January 3, 2011
A Number of Recently Deleted Facebook Notes, etc.
On Value-Namely, The Distance Between Product, Price and Actual Value, I-Universities
by Douglas Cate on Monday, January 3, 2011 at 5:50pm
Your note has been created.
Complete Title:
"On Value-namely, The Distance Between Various Products and Services, The Natural, Actual Net Worth and Value and Their Listed Prices (Their MSRP, for instance), I-Universities...Pro? Or Outrageous Con?
In talking about &; treating of the great, vast, prairielike expanse that separates the value and the price of goods, products and services, I have only one, highly cogent but inflammatory, trenchant thing to say: It is distant; it is unfair; it is unequal-it is outrageous and wallet and bankbook-shrivelling. It is all these things, and more but in only one place, one sacred, oft-debauching realm (whose own inequalities and strangenesses are too numerous to list here or anywhere) is it worse and more awful, unfair and indignantly, wrathfully outrageous than that imposed by all the others on the consumer-one and ONLY one (other than of course the current myriad of unfair, too-high taxes at all levels: local, state, federal): The American University.
Has anyone ever once thought how much-how very, VERY much-monies, revenue and capital the average American university-a self-righteous, greedy, grasping, self-involved, uncharitable thing-has at it's enormous disposal?
The average university education IN TOTO costs $ 4,000.00 (and that number is generally a very conservative under-estimate)...and, is it REALLY worth that?
No; I don't care what benefits it does or doesn't provide to it's recipient, it is not-EVER-worth that-not when you consider that the average salary is far less than that and that general expenses and cost of living is far HIGHER than that.
Now, I say this with all the indignation I can muster: I say this as a betrayed, angered and ultimately GOUGED consumer, which is what the postwar situation has forced us all lo these sixty or seventy years to become-but THAT is quite another matter, one into which I will not be going here or perhaps anywhere else, either. Certainly not now, at any rate.
In the end, given it's overestimation and immense disparity in value and cost, it is really worth it to go to college-to financially support a system that is in effect an unfair, miniature government in and of itself?
Who actually desires to lend their hardearned lifelong income to these wicked, wretched enclaves that presume to dictate the fiats, mores, norms and unfocused, foolish trends we all must follow-and abide by?
These are the places whose mammoth mammon is so great, it is incalcuable and incomputably, illimitably vast-as it their attendant, presumed greediness and wickedness. A wickedness that stems only from greed; but nonetheless this is still a form of nefariousness.
While the poor get ever poorer basing their burgeoning indigence on the futile hope; the GAMBLE, really; that some monetary, lucrative good: a way out of their hardship: will come of this; and the rich, in this sorry case the perfervid and monetarily gravid universities who rob us all blind, get richer.
I therefore posit that universities are really nothing more than a vast, elaborate, apparently gentlemanly con-and unnecessary.
Almost everything you can learn there, you can learn on your own-& at a huge fraction of the life and savings account-bleeding costs.
A self-taught person is always going to be a better, richer person-if only for the great, immense savings in not going to college that they net-than that poor, sorry, gulible fool who supports collegiate fascism...and (contracts) meningitis.
I really hate to say these things, but the truth is the truth and I make this protest for many reasons other than simple, honest reportage and expose-chiefest among them, my own aversion to returning to school (a sad, horrible fact that, for better or worse, whether to my infinite joy or eternal, suicidal malaise and ennui or not, that may have to face up to-and "bite the bullet" as it were & go back...sort of) unless said school was the Frisbee of my youth, a school which ironically, I seldom appreciated and adored at the time that I actually went there-sadly, I abhorred it more than I ever adored it, then. And now this work is done.
An Interesting, Imperative Remark or Memo
by Douglas Cate on Monday, January 3, 2011 at 6:02pm
You know, it is interesting-
I worte at least one very short, eminently readable note about everybody's favorite subject; that they would all KILL to read about (if they only COULD read) and....not one single word of comment did I ever receive-not even a paltry "like" on all the little articles, fragments, essays and editorials of mine.
Now, this is very odd........after all, didn't I appeal therein to the lowest common denominator? But then...wait! What was I even thinking? Aren't all of them (the LCD's) illiterates?
(Note: By the way, seeing as how the word "illiterates" is such a hard one-so hard to read, so hard to spell....even harder for the uneducated to say-I might as well go ahead & define it for you all: It means someone who can't-or in this case, WON'T read a book or anything printed and written. This, then, is a genuine cause for celebration among all writers, like myself. After all, when should art and artistry EVER be roundly, soundly, presently appreciated? They are such trifles.)
A Few Additional Adjectives To Append to The FMS/KRC Situation
by Douglas Cate on Monday, January 3, 2011 at 5:18pm
Full Title:
"Some Additional Thoughts &; Notes On The Proposed Structural Hopefully Only Internal Changes to Frisbee Middle/Elementary School (Now Called by the odious "Frisbee Common") {That in fact have triggered a number of responses from me, some with which this readership is already heartily familiar, one of which newer responses is to write a story of me purchasing and restoring the place to it's former glory, grandeur and scholastic layout that I enjoyed as an adolescent, in which way, no matter what, it should be forever preserved-and, I've also had two dreams recently about the possibly damnable and irrevocable fate of one of my troika of Kittery Alma Mater's}"
It is, and in all honesty I could probably rant and rave &; rage about this for dozens of pages but here I will attempt some sort of economy with words, some laconicism that may prove helpful, instructive and useful-
It is-these proposed changes-worthless, extravagant, silly, unnecessary, overblown and useless. The whole melange, the mise-en-scene is like placing a royal red, silken carpet in a filthy bathroom...and thus, befouling & soiling it.
(Note: I both know more and a whole LOT more that I could say about this. But for now, that is enough.)
by Douglas Cate on Monday, January 3, 2011 at 5:50pm
Your note has been created.
Complete Title:
"On Value-namely, The Distance Between Various Products and Services, The Natural, Actual Net Worth and Value and Their Listed Prices (Their MSRP, for instance), I-Universities...Pro? Or Outrageous Con?
In talking about &; treating of the great, vast, prairielike expanse that separates the value and the price of goods, products and services, I have only one, highly cogent but inflammatory, trenchant thing to say: It is distant; it is unfair; it is unequal-it is outrageous and wallet and bankbook-shrivelling. It is all these things, and more but in only one place, one sacred, oft-debauching realm (whose own inequalities and strangenesses are too numerous to list here or anywhere) is it worse and more awful, unfair and indignantly, wrathfully outrageous than that imposed by all the others on the consumer-one and ONLY one (other than of course the current myriad of unfair, too-high taxes at all levels: local, state, federal): The American University.
Has anyone ever once thought how much-how very, VERY much-monies, revenue and capital the average American university-a self-righteous, greedy, grasping, self-involved, uncharitable thing-has at it's enormous disposal?
The average university education IN TOTO costs $ 4,000.00 (and that number is generally a very conservative under-estimate)...and, is it REALLY worth that?
No; I don't care what benefits it does or doesn't provide to it's recipient, it is not-EVER-worth that-not when you consider that the average salary is far less than that and that general expenses and cost of living is far HIGHER than that.
Now, I say this with all the indignation I can muster: I say this as a betrayed, angered and ultimately GOUGED consumer, which is what the postwar situation has forced us all lo these sixty or seventy years to become-but THAT is quite another matter, one into which I will not be going here or perhaps anywhere else, either. Certainly not now, at any rate.
In the end, given it's overestimation and immense disparity in value and cost, it is really worth it to go to college-to financially support a system that is in effect an unfair, miniature government in and of itself?
Who actually desires to lend their hardearned lifelong income to these wicked, wretched enclaves that presume to dictate the fiats, mores, norms and unfocused, foolish trends we all must follow-and abide by?
These are the places whose mammoth mammon is so great, it is incalcuable and incomputably, illimitably vast-as it their attendant, presumed greediness and wickedness. A wickedness that stems only from greed; but nonetheless this is still a form of nefariousness.
While the poor get ever poorer basing their burgeoning indigence on the futile hope; the GAMBLE, really; that some monetary, lucrative good: a way out of their hardship: will come of this; and the rich, in this sorry case the perfervid and monetarily gravid universities who rob us all blind, get richer.
I therefore posit that universities are really nothing more than a vast, elaborate, apparently gentlemanly con-and unnecessary.
Almost everything you can learn there, you can learn on your own-& at a huge fraction of the life and savings account-bleeding costs.
A self-taught person is always going to be a better, richer person-if only for the great, immense savings in not going to college that they net-than that poor, sorry, gulible fool who supports collegiate fascism...and (contracts) meningitis.
I really hate to say these things, but the truth is the truth and I make this protest for many reasons other than simple, honest reportage and expose-chiefest among them, my own aversion to returning to school (a sad, horrible fact that, for better or worse, whether to my infinite joy or eternal, suicidal malaise and ennui or not, that may have to face up to-and "bite the bullet" as it were & go back...sort of) unless said school was the Frisbee of my youth, a school which ironically, I seldom appreciated and adored at the time that I actually went there-sadly, I abhorred it more than I ever adored it, then. And now this work is done.
An Interesting, Imperative Remark or Memo
by Douglas Cate on Monday, January 3, 2011 at 6:02pm
You know, it is interesting-
I worte at least one very short, eminently readable note about everybody's favorite subject; that they would all KILL to read about (if they only COULD read) and....not one single word of comment did I ever receive-not even a paltry "like" on all the little articles, fragments, essays and editorials of mine.
Now, this is very odd........after all, didn't I appeal therein to the lowest common denominator? But then...wait! What was I even thinking? Aren't all of them (the LCD's) illiterates?
(Note: By the way, seeing as how the word "illiterates" is such a hard one-so hard to read, so hard to spell....even harder for the uneducated to say-I might as well go ahead & define it for you all: It means someone who can't-or in this case, WON'T read a book or anything printed and written. This, then, is a genuine cause for celebration among all writers, like myself. After all, when should art and artistry EVER be roundly, soundly, presently appreciated? They are such trifles.)
A Few Additional Adjectives To Append to The FMS/KRC Situation
by Douglas Cate on Monday, January 3, 2011 at 5:18pm
Full Title:
"Some Additional Thoughts &; Notes On The Proposed Structural Hopefully Only Internal Changes to Frisbee Middle/Elementary School (Now Called by the odious "Frisbee Common") {That in fact have triggered a number of responses from me, some with which this readership is already heartily familiar, one of which newer responses is to write a story of me purchasing and restoring the place to it's former glory, grandeur and scholastic layout that I enjoyed as an adolescent, in which way, no matter what, it should be forever preserved-and, I've also had two dreams recently about the possibly damnable and irrevocable fate of one of my troika of Kittery Alma Mater's}"
It is, and in all honesty I could probably rant and rave &; rage about this for dozens of pages but here I will attempt some sort of economy with words, some laconicism that may prove helpful, instructive and useful-
It is-these proposed changes-worthless, extravagant, silly, unnecessary, overblown and useless. The whole melange, the mise-en-scene is like placing a royal red, silken carpet in a filthy bathroom...and thus, befouling & soiling it.
(Note: I both know more and a whole LOT more that I could say about this. But for now, that is enough.)
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