1). WASHINGTON, D.C.-Reporters in Washington yesterday were shocked and delighted with President Obama's latest in a previously failed series of economic recovery plans. The President is going to mandate that all states be provided with at least 100,000 long sticks with nails at the end, or some cases, with already been chewed gum stuck to the end, and with as many glass bottles and jars and an equal amount of plastic bags. Why all these strange materials? His plan includes or basically only consists of, Americans collecting what money they can find on the side of the road! Most Americans were shocked and angered at this prospect, but those who work in Sanitation or are semi-retired metal-detector enthusiasts were overjoyed at the prospect, even though Obama, now dubbed the "Change President" by many Washington wags, has stated that at least 15 % of what is found must be declared and given to the government. In a recent visit to his home senatorial state of Illinois, Obama was bombarded, ironically, by protesters who, ironically had previously supported him, especially during his campaign for President. The source of the missiles hurled at him? Why, various bits and types of change, of course! Typically incompetent Secret Service agents had a difficult time putting the mini-rebellion down, and bringing the change-throwers to justice. Obama, not too appalled by the scene and his pelting, quipped "Well, at least they're no longer using guns and bullets; at least, not on their President". To which a number of irreverent reporters, ardent fans and Obama supporters raucously laughed at. Truly, this was the best showcase, if not the best time, for the Presidents famous wit. While in Chicago, Obama, in what can only be called a publicity stunt, donned the reflective vest of the Sanitation worker and, armed with a long stick with a nail at the end-or perhaps it was gum, this reporter is sad to reflect that he forgets which-he proceeded to pick up things, some of which were dollar bills and change, not doubt set up earlier by carefully selected Obama aides. Still, the President was in fine form, as he went about picking up what amounted to $14.56 in assorted dollar bills and change. "This is a great day for America," he intoned," and a great day for the numismatists IN America" Once again, the President's fine, cogent wit was being showcased. This reporter hopes that America, in it's desperate hour of need, will finally commit this scoundrel and unmitigated lunatic to the asylum where he belongs! Otherwise, who knows what sweeping "changes" are next for our country?
2). NEW YORK, New York-In the city that was once originally considered to be the nation's capital, albeit briefly, The President, having moved from Washington, in an effort to avoid the fetid stench that overhangs the city like a funeral pall, gathered with other prominent members of his Cabinet to decide what to do in this latest, greatest crisis in American history. As all my readers will remember, some fifty-two days ago, the horror began, as Bangledesh, our main supplier of soap, and Sri Lanka, our country's main supplier of shampoo and various toiletries, joined together in an embargo on the Anglo-American world, perhaps in a misguided effort to raise their own world status, which they have done. Then, in a move that clearly lived up to the adage of "adding insult to injury" the state of Minnesota, the main supplier of clean, running water to most of continental America, declared a moratorium on the production and distribution of water to the rest of the Union. National guard troops were deployed after intra-American diplomatic efforts failed, but these were quickly subdued and pacified at the borders with a terrific blast from the Minnesotan hose. Thus, America has been unclean for several days. Some people in a dire desperation that under other, happier, cleaner circumstances would've been quite funny, have taken to bathing in the generally unclean, murky, stagnant water of the various lakes, ponds and now still-rivers in America. Of course, this has not helped them one iota, but has only made them stink worse. In fact, in this reporter's humble opinion, the move to New York City, one of the most congested, heavily populated, filthy and malodorous cities on the face of the earth, is a highly stupid and useless one. Fire crews in New York have managed to find a small supply of running, pressurized water, though, and this will at least save young Tommy Tomlinson, for his Super-soaker was previously the only source of pressurized water in the whole city, and he, or his greedy ex-Soapbar Importation CEO father, were charging citizens and public officials up to 1,000 dollars a minute to be sprayed with the high-powered squirtgun. Deodorant companies, one of the few businesses not affected by the embargoes, have really, to use a pun, "cleaned up." President Obama, adjusting to his 100-room converted apartment building, his new "crib" at 1005A Fifth Avenue, has declared a stimulus of 99 billion dollars to be immediately requisitioned to the dozen major deodorant companies in America, with the order to produce as much anti-perspirant as possible until the nonmilitary crisis is over. "We are looking forward to ending this crisis very soon, by any means possible" he declared ominously, "and plans are already being drafted to get back what is rightfully ours: true cleanliness." He went on to say that his injection of 99 billion dollars into the deodorant companies' coffers would prove to be a boon to the stagnant, flagging American economy, and to the collective sense of smell and taste of a great many previously unwashed Americans.
3). LIVERPOOL, England-A concert given in Fryday Park in Liverpool by The Who, has erupted into flames and sadness. It seems that during one of their more popular numbers, "Water" in which they claim that London and the Thames were burning, a number of more logical, less restrained fans, shouted out that there was "no fire anywhere" and proceeded to run back to the immense parking lot and siphon gasoline into waiting flasks, bottles, containers and tureens, turn these into makeshift Molotov cocktails, and in an effort, ironically, to aid the Who, lit these and threw them at their beloved, favorite band, The Who! Instantly, the two-tiered stage erupted in flames and in explosions, as the electric equipment, such as amplifiers, of the Who burnt and exploded from the intense heat. Roger Daltrey, resplendent as ever in his signature leather-fringed jacket, leaped from the stage, into the crowd, sustaining a broken arm initially, and later, a contused face and a fractured nostril, as hordes of scared fans ran over and trampled him. Keith Moon, normally so motile and constant and himself leaping, stood there and burned, until John Entwhistle, in a heroic and thoughtless move, picked him up from behind his burning drumset and hurled him bodily into the rushing crowd, where he landed only a few feet away from the supine Roger Daltrey, whose jacket burned, but which fire was thankfully extinguished by the droves of fans crossing over him on their way to the parking lot, and the vehicles they thought would save them... of course, their tanks being emptied by the logical Molotov cocktail-hurlers earlier, all were rendered useless and many burned within their cabs. Fire crews arrived on the scene, but too late to save Pete Townshend from burning. He, resplendent in flame and fire, was quoted as saying: "YAAAAAH! I'm on FIREEE!" All in all, it was a great, conflagrant concert, one clearly displaying the comburent, combustible talents of the Who.
4). LONDON, England-Elton John, lately returning to England via Heathrow Airport, from a sellout tour of America, or, as he calls it: "Blackistan", shocked various London news reporters with his many anti-black remarks that he made as soon as he deplaned. It seems among other vile,racial slurs that Sir Elton John (a title that the still-shocked and scandalised Queen is considering revoking in light of this recent apparent change in the overall indiscriminateness of Mr. John) gave to reporters in his dense and lengthy criticism of America, there were the hideous claims that they were "shit-people" and that not only did they look like that, but that they were born and bred to be the "carriers and pickers and disposers of human waste" Of course, even the worst racists/white supremacists of all time have not held views this vile, incorrect, brutal and scatological. All of London is in mourning over the once-kindliness of Elton John. Also, in a move that shocked reporters and Londoners in general alike, Mr. John declared that the monies from his AIDS foundation were rightfully his, and due to his many unpaid English (and especially American) taxes, he would need and was going to take them back from the "miserly, miserably, fucking sick leeches". One's guess is that Mr. John even hates his own people, the bisexuals and the homosexuals, and actually to one reporter, a female one sporting thick, mannish boots and a very short crop of blondish hair, Mr. John said that she was a "dyke" and to "get the expletive away from him" and ended this vile display of prejudice and bigotry by kicking, slapping and punching the so-called "dyke"! Though in this assault he committed a crime, Mr. John was not arrested as by the hordes of police sent down to Heathrow to meet his plane and to protect him from his droves and hosts of fans, who usually mob him upon his deplaning anywhere-but that may change now. A number of reporters, themselves not supporters of racism but ardent, diehard fans of Mr. John's, have speculated quite hopefully that this change in his politics is temporary and mistaken and was the result of too much drugs and alcohol being heroically imbibed by a possibly depressed Mr. John on his plane, on the trip back from America-in short, he was drugged and drunk and these two states of opposing narcosis created a horrid irritability in Mr. John that manifested itself in overmuch racist and bigoted hate-remarks. If not, then let the world shudder, for he who seemed once to love and cherish and endow it so much, with so much of his God (or perhaps in this case, Devil)-given talent, has otherwise seemed to become a potent misanthrope and a hater of all he once loved and endowed. Many of his fans in the Deep South of America, in a characteristically dull and American move, have begun to burn many of his records and cds, many of these ironically, in some way or another about or inspired by the music of the African-American experience, in outdoor bonfires. Even President Obama, a man, who based on pigmentation, has no exact, equal or clear claim to either race (Black or White), has, in yet another characteristically American move, decried the slurs and hatred of Elton John, and before a horde of American reporters (probably from the tabloids), hurled the "Greatest Hits, Volume One" cd of Mr. John out the White House window in a highly dramatic, but specious gesture. This reporter can only wonder what other Anti-Elton John tactics the Americans, long his biggest fans-especially the homosexuals-will adopt to retaliate against his rabid hatred. This is truly a sad and awful day of infamy for not only the Anglo-American world, but the world entire itself! We can all only hope that Mr. John will change his tune and adapt to the progressive, permissive, unprejudiced world around him! That, at least, is this reporter's hope.
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